I have someone that loves me, really loves me and not the facade, and I don’t fucking know how to deal with it or accept it. I’ve run away. How fucked up is that? Most girls want love, a soulmate, a happy ending. I’m just throwing it in a deep river, unsure because of my own demons. How do I move on? How do I heal? Do I need therapy to make sense of why I am this way? I have to figure all of this out.
On another note, I’ve figured out my real niche. I love food, but feminism and activism is where I want to be. There’s a stigma with food within society that you’re lesser and undignified. I get talked to like I am a dog, zero respect or understanding at all. I just feel really over it, I work my ass off and it feels like nothing is ever good enough. There’s no appreciation. I don’t even feel like a part of the team, just the cancerous part. It’s very lonely. It’s very bare. And I’m over it.
Back to feminism. That’s my true passion, being immersed in it, the history, the foremothers, the work still left to do to make women equal and counted for.. It just brings something out of me. A passion I thought died.
Speaking of, I also wanted to address the fact that I’m self aware I’m chasing a passion in matters of love I haven’t felt in years. The passion of being inspired by somebody because they make you feel like the world is your oyster. They open your entire world up. I’m chasing that.
Off to read my cookbook.
I am fucked up, I am crazy. I’m convinced that everything leading up to now has damaged me in ways nobody even knows. Everyday I wake up I go through the motions. Everyday I’m on autopilot. I hate my job and I make excuses and gloss over the fact it fucking sucks. I paint a pretty picture to convince myself it’s all worthwhile. But it’s not. This isn’t life, this isn’t living. I exist in a shell and a I don’t do anything that I actually want to do. I do what society expects of me. I play responsible and fulfill the fake obligations, but I’m not happy.
I can’t see the good in anything, I can’t see how this is shaping me. Because it isn’t, it’s only further beating me into the ground.
I used to be hopeful and positive and optimistic. But life and the maggots that are people have ruined it for me. I lack empathy. I lack love. I’m cynical, bitter, and hard. How do you stop being poisoned?